Growing strong

There is something about watching your children struggle and knowing there is nothing you can do but love them. A little over a year ago I watched one of the hardest things to watch your child go through. At that point all I could do is talk in code about the situation. It was her trauma in life. Her Struggle and burden to work through. As a family meaning siblings and her parents and a choice few others we gathered around her and just loved her.

This year she has been making peace with this life event and has shared her pain, sorrow and her victory over this event. January 2017 my daughter was raped by an ex boyfriend. This choice he made to alter her life not only changed her world but all of ours as well.

I went from seeing my carefree daughter enjoying life to having to deal with this life altering event. It has been a very difficult road for her to walk. There have been times she was no longer walking but crawling but always seemed to be trying to move forward. It was her story to tell but as I watched her struggle and found people less than understanding that she was emotionally not able to handle everyday things. I wanted to shout at them or shake them and say "HEY WAKE UP CAN"T YOU SEE SHE IS STRUGGLING" But you can't. It isn't your story to tell. It wasn't my story to shout out and want to scream at this kid that did this.

I watched her struggle and try to put her life back in order only to have someone come up and tell her that the ex says she is lying... And down she came again.

I prayed so many nights that she would find her strength to pull above this awful thing. It was taking over my sweet daughter. Making her sad, angry, anxious and so much more. But what I couldn't see was this women fighting inside her soul to beat this. She fought and eventually woke to the realization that this story that was hers will make her stronger. It allows her to see where others maybe struggling. It opens up her eyes to those that are hurting and not saying anything. It has allowed her to find her passion of helping other women find their strength.

I came to this realization when she recently participated in a pageant at her school for a scholarship. As her talent she did a reading where she opened up and shared her story. But before the night of the pageant she called me in tears because another women laughed at her story as she told it. The women was laughing so hard she had to leave. Why do we do this to each other? I listened to my daughter and I don't even remember what was said. But all I remember was worrying about her all night. I prayed, her brothers prayed that the night of the performance she would be strong. Alex drove down and surprised her and was there all day to help her and reassure her.

That night as she took the stage to perform her talent I silently prayed again. She got up there stronger than I have ever seen her. She did it! She over came that hurdle. As she opened up that night she began to open up to others about her year and the things that she had dealt with and learned. I watched as this beautiful young women grew into this Amazing Strong Women! I was in awe. She told her story on FB in hopes of helping others that were dealing with the same thing. She was asked to go to a function at the school and perform her piece as well.

2017 was probably without a doubt one of the hardest years in her life. We never know what we can take from a tragedy that happens in our lives. She has shown me that with faith and fight you can overcome so many things in life. It is Hard! But keep fighting. Keep believing that you are worth fighting for. Keep believing in yourself and know that God never leaves your side.

Eve I am so proud of you. I would have taken all of that madness away from you if I could have. I love the women you are and the advocate you have become. I know the possibilities are endless for you to achieve in life.

By the way she the runner up in the pageant. And won a scholarship.

I am attaching her words. I will have to get the video up later.

Boy has Life Changed

Boy did change come

I guess you will see the pictures first before the post. Here is a sneak peek.

I have never been good about keeping a journal or writing here. If I could have only seen the changes that would come in the year since I wrote on here last. What is the saying " If you ever want to make God laugh tell him your plans?"

Lets see if we can do a quick fast forward in our lives.

Malcolm felt a prompting while on his mission that he was needed at home. He returned home in July. Little did he know that it would soon be evident why he needed to be home.

Cole met and was engaged to an amazing women. They got engaged here in Texas in August.

Eve returned to A&M with different roommates in August.

Alex graduated and decided to head to Arkansas instead of Utah to run at UCA. This eventually changed before the end of the fall semester. More on that later.

Sebastian prepared for his senior year in STUCO and DEBATE. 

Summer was great enjoying family and making memories. 

August 19th we headed to take Alex to UCA  in Arkansas. Sebastian went with myself and Alex. We were enjoying our ride talking and laughing and anticipating what the college would be like. On our way just outside of Texarkana we were involved in an accident while stopped on the highway. 

There was traffic on the one lane construction zone and traffic was at a stop. However, a Semi-truck not paying attention never stopped and blowed in to the group of cars we were were sitting in. If you have ever watch the PSA of crashes on TV where everything turns into slow motion and the people fly forward glass shatters. That whole moment. I sat in the car watching in my rear view mirror as the highway curved just enough you could see the semi coming. But yet it happened so fast. I still have the flash backs of my body flying forward and objects flying. In the chaos I put my arm out in front of Alex to protect him. I must have said something like please don't hit us as Sebastian stated he was in the process of turning to look when we were hit. 

This accident happened so fast yet in slow motion in my head. There were 5 cars involved. The Semi that didn't stop hit another semi that was stopped and that semi hit the SUV behind us that hit us and we in turn hit the car in front of us. The women in front of us saw it coming as well and was trying to move out of the way and so when I was pushed into her she flew into the median to the edge of the other side of the median. So close to oncoming traffic.  As we all made our way out of cars in the grassy median I thanked Heavenly Father that my Boys were okay at least appeared to be. They went backwards to check on people and I went forward to check on the lady we hit. Everyone appeared okay. 

I heard my boys calling my name. I turned around and saw the Semi that hit us was pretty mangled. The driver appeared to have gone into the windshield and back to his seat. No sign of a seat belt but the front of the truck had crumpled up to where it was where the windshield should have been. 

People helped me up onto the guardrail to check on him. I will spare you the details of how he looked. I immediately tried to triage him. He was breathing. Unable to talk from the amount of glass in his face. As I stood there and tried to comfort him all I could do is pray. Pray that he would be able to tolerate the pain and make it. I spoke with him and asked if he wanted me to pray with him and so we did. As I stood up on the guardrail trying to hold on and not slip from the oil and fuel  I could feel myself getting quite weak. Another nurse showed up and she took over so I could get down. 

At this point I think the Adrenaline had started to wear off. I was light headed , starting to hurt but tried to ignore it. My boys decided they weren't going to. They grabbed an EMT and we were taken by ambulance with 2 others to local hospital. 

We were quickly checked out and by quick I mean the doctor well lets just say if I was dying I wouldn't go to this hospital. At the moment in time I wasn't all there. My boys were dealing with nausea , headaches and soreness but seemed okay.  

We sat in the hallway of the hospital after being discharged and had no car and I think just a bit overwhelmed with the happenings. The rental we were in was still sitting on the highway where the accident was and had everything Alex owned in it. I was not able to really function cognitively to deal with the car. It is weird I remember sitting there trying to think it through but it was just slow. 

Alex got the details of who the rental was through and called the rental company. I am not sure how many people he spoke to but he went round and round with people to get a new rental and get the car to us. That kid managed to figure it all out by himself. He called state troopers to find the car and rental companies and finally managed to get them to deliver a new rental from 100 miles a way. 

He was incredible. We sat at the hospital from 1pm to close to 9pm. 

Things like this have a way of changing your perception on things. We sat in the cafeteria and prayed. We talked and tried to find things to laugh about. We found people that had seen us sitting in the hallway show kindness to us. I was feeling so thankful for the Angels that kept us safe. It could have ended up very different. 

We finally get Alex to school , get him settled in. Sebastian and I head back to Texas the next day. Talk about anxiety riddled driving. At one point we had 8 semi-trucks around us. We quickly decided we had to get away from that.

:

Life since the Accident:

Long story short it is now April and I haven't worked since August. I had a pretty good Concussion that has caused some cognitive issues. I am slowly doing better. This is the first time I felt like I could really write. I still have an issue reading out loud. Words don't want to come all the time. Understanding instuctions take some time. It is frustrating. Very Frustrating.

Cole was married in November and I feel horrible because there are things that should have been more special or felt more special but I was so foggy brained at times I was just trying to make it good for them. Our mother /son dance. I couldn't handle truly dancing slow dancing because of dizziness. I had looked forward to that moment for so long and it was over. I later apologized to Cole because I felt like it ruined it for him as well. But the sweet boy of mine is mom you are good. I didn't notice. 

Sebastian and Alex rehabbed and are now back doing their normal. I am thankful for this. I hate however, that I am still working my way back. I feel I am missing out on key things in Sebastian's Senior year because of everything. 

But even with everything from the accident we have managed to have some good things come into our lives the last year. 

We have celebrated the Wedding of Cole and Caitlin. She is awesome by the way. We all absolutely love her. Her family is great and and many of the kids have adopted her family as theirs as well. 

Malcolm and Alex are now in Utah as well.  Sebastian was accepted into BYU Provo! He submitted his mission papers and we are just in the waiting game now. 

Everyday I am able to see God's hand in our lives. Even through this crazy rehab etc. He is blessing us. I am blessed that I still have all of my family in one piece.They are healthy, happy and 

very much a LIVE! Nothing makes me happier than that. 

Big things are coming...

When your kids are  toddlers or even elementary school age you can't imagine this little human growing up and taking on the world. My kids never cease to amaze me at the obstacles they face head on and challenges they over come. But they are dreamers and I love seeing their dreams come to life.

It is time for another kiddo to choose their course in life. College? Mission? Job? Alex toured UVU over spring break and a school that hadn't even been on his radar became the school he knew he was suppose to be at. Late application submitted, acceptance letter received and as of last night Housing needed to be found. The benefits of having a Brother at a neighboring school living in apartments that he could also live in is a huge blessing. Cole called him letting him know he had someone selling his contract for Fall/Winter terms.

Perfect! Housing contract in the same apartments as his brother.. OR was it? As I started to talk to Alex last night to get online to fill out the housing application and secure the contract he started back pedaling. Umm, I don't know..
What do you not know? 

Well, that is a lot of money for that school. I could go to Texas Tech for less.

 How much less?

 I don't know..

 Are you having second thoughts about going to the school?

 I don't know..

I just couldn't get him to commit. I couldn't get him to let me in on his feelings whether it was nerves or what.

I text Cole--- Houston we have an issue...

After Scripture and prayer Big brother called via face time...

What's up?

Nothing..

Dude why won't you fill it out?

I'm not sure

I pop in and remind him that he said God had answered his prayer.

He states well I prayed but he didn't say GO THERE>> 

So what was the answer.

I felt like I needed to be at that school.

So isn't that God telling you that you need to be there.?

<pause>

He visited more with his brother over facetime and it appeared the nerves went away some. After the call he got on his computer and filled out the housing application..

Oh my, how can he be the age to move away? I don't know if I am ready. Sebastian states he isn't ready for his best friend to move away. Not sure I am ready to send one more off into the world.

I know he will be in good hands. Cole also reminded him that if he ran out of food money he would feed him. lol He states they are never without food in their apartment.

Even bigger week for this Senior of mine. Today he will be featured on the School district radio station in an interview about his music. And tomorrow he competes in Area Track meet. He runs the 110 hurdles and 300 hurdles. Such a big week and in a little over a month he will be a High School Graduate. Can I just pause time...

MAN I LOVE THIS KID!

Who is in control?

 I am sure my kids are wondering who took over their once composed halfway sane mother. The craziness of life have woken up this crazy emotional , sometimes irrational person. I can see them having this secret sibling text message that says... What the heck is up with MOM? Is she PMSing? Who upset her this time?  Oh the messages they must be writting. I promise I am sane; well most of the time. No mother is always SANE. It appears that life got the best of me and my emotions. But no worries I am getting them back in check. For my kids sake hopefully sooner vs. later.

I decided I needed to just talk to them. As a single mom we have always had very open conversations. I remember having a family meeting and giving each one of them a piece of paper and pen and told them to write down how much it cost to run the house. It was quite interesting. At the time their ages ranged from 9-16. It helped them understand the importance of living in our means but also the reality of wants and needs. I decided to have a reality check discussion with Alex and Sebastian as well. ( Eve wasn't home) But instead of money we talked about expectations of life and truly living the Gospel and being good people. Along with my crazy stress level and for them to know I have not completely lost it.

 I forgot how just how grown up my kids are.  I started  hearing their  rational discussion. Speaking better than most adults. Myself included. They are well spoken and I hear these clear well thought out ideas coming from their mouths and I have to take a double take. Where did my child go?

It is no secret that our lives have become quite stressed. Of course, my kids have seen this reality more than they should. Combine the stress with the emotions that go with sending a kid on a mission and well lets just say I am a mess at times. Okay most of the times.

I realize part of the stress was not wanting to let go. I have had a realization that I need to be more willing to let go of my kids. It seems a bit harder for my younger 2 kids. They are my babies. They shouldn't be a Senior and Junior in high school. As we talked about life and making good choices I realized just how grown up they are.

Time appears to rushing faster and faster with every day. I want to turn back time, for a time when they still wanted to snuggle up next to you on the couch and watch movies. Now their 6'3 bodies stretch the length of the couch and then some. Their little faces are now turning into hairy faces that are ready to conquer the world and see what it has to offer them.

It made my heart smile when I listened to Alex talk last night.  He is figuring life out.  Especially,  his spiritual side of life. Seeing his truly happy spirit as he talked about figuring things out. Oh how that made me thankful for a truly loving Heavenly Father that answered prayers to help him find his peace.

As you see this true happiness in your kids you realize you aren't in control. GOD IS!

I can do hard things.... right?

I can do hard things, Right? If you are like me I see this on Facebook or have people say it. But I think yeah sure I can do hard things. But maybe not before I completely lose it. Okay so I can do hard things, but how do I do it? Who is going to make me get out of bed when it would be easier to stay in it and ignore the day?  Oh yeah I am the adult! I have to just do it!

 I remember being in this same position when Cole went on his mission. Everything seemed ten times harder than it had just weeks or months before he left. Now with Malcolm gone I feel the same feelings. I keep repeating this to myself " You can do hard things." Then why does it seem the more I say this the harder things tend to get? 

I never heard how hard it is to parent grown children. At least they think they are grown but still have so much to learn. Even at the age of 17 and 18 I know everything mentality. Or I can figure out the solution even though it would be easier to get advice or have a listening ear. I will choose everyone but my mom to ask for advice. I appreciate the adults that are around to help influence my  kids lives for the better but there are times especially when I might have seen it with my older kids that advice might really be sending them in a direction that won't help or teach them about life just help them run from the problems. Can we go back to the toddler years when I can put them down for a nap and all will be good when they get up? 

Ever notice that when you are trying too hard to follow Christ the adversary works that much harder to pull you off path? I was reading an article yesterday from the Ensign that talked about how much the adversary works in our daily life especially when we are fervently trying to have family prayer, FHE, scripture study, going to church and fulfilling our callings. You feel the tension go from nothing to off the charts as we sit down for family dinner, game nights even just sitting around talking. It shifts I can't even explain it. The last month it has seemed to just reach a new high. 

It makes me just want to yell to leave us alone.. 

Yesterday as I was preparing for church I was having a particularly hard morning. Feeling depressed, struggling with the strife that was going on amongst myself and some of my kids. Just feeling my heart completely burdened. At one point I was feeling just so defeated. As I was leaving the house I prayed out loud before I walked out of the house. Please God just let someone understand the burdens I am feeling. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with it by myself. 

We were having Ward conference and in sacrament meeting the Stake President stood up and said " I had somethings come to my mind that I need to say. These were not what I planned on talking to you about but feel I need to talk about them. "  He preceded to talk about a few things then he says" I know some of you are feeling burdens in your heart. Know I feel your burdens. " How quick the Lord answered my prayer of just needing to know someone was listening to me.. he was hearing my prayers. The water works started at that point. 

I continued to look for whatever I could find to heal my heart. I read multiple church articles, read the scriptures and just prayed. Of course, as we were all just talking and enjoying the conversation. All of a sudden the whole feel in the room changed. The attitude changed and once again their was contension. Of course all those feelings I had in the morning came right back streaming in. I remembered an article I had read  (can't seem to remember which article or who it was) they talked about being in a situation and knowing the adversary was putting doubts and tempting to change the situation, He simply said " Go away satan" . 

I think it is time to hang a huge flashing light sign on the roof of my house.... 

Peace came..

 As a mom I always tend to worry about my kids. I do not think that will ever change no matter how old they become. I sent Asj and Sj on a road trip with their Youth leaders from Church. They left on a Friday night and headed out to Utah. 

At the same time this week Eve went on vacation with her dad. Cole is off at school and Malcolm went into the MTC. I went from having a house full to just me and the dog. I think the dog felt as lost as I did. 

I initially thought " good I can get some things done" Yeah that lasted a little bit then I was done. I had the whole week off and didn't want to spend it dejunking the whole house. In hindsight I probably should have.

 I decided to concentrate on myself. This for whatever reason is a hard one for me to do. 
So I made a commitment to start taking better care of myself. Seriously, I really want to be around for my kids as gown ups. I want to see their kids grow up and so on. That meant I needed to focus on me. Well for the last 23 years or so I have been focused on making sure I am the best mom I can be and take care of my kids. I made mistakes as a mom and we have had our moments in the ER.. way too many if you ask me! I wouldn't change a moment for anything. 

Life hasn't been easy but as I look back it has made my kids who they are and me who I am. However, I also realize I should have spent some of that time taking better care of myself. After thinking about all of this I met with a Nutritionist and set a schedule of getting myself back to the healthy skinny person inside me. Oh how this is going to be a long road but it will definitely be worth it. I spent time with a couple of good friends this last week just catching up. I started working out. Oh heavens can I just say that I loved it! But I paid for it later. I still can barely squat due to my Quads. lol  But most of all I think I found peace. Peace I have been wanting and needing for a long time. This peace that you know can only come from one place. 

The final thing that just brought my week to a full circle of peace was Malcolm's first letter home from the MTC.  He found HIS peace! His letter to me spoke about the peace Heavenly Father promised him if he would continue to follow the gospel and serve a mission he would give him the peace he was longing for. He found that this last week. That brought such peace to this momma's heart that no words would ever be able to express. 

So, as I move on to this chapter in life of taking better care of myself I still stay completely focused on being the best mom I can be for my kids and taking care of them but understanding now that I have to take care of myself to be that mom for them. 

by the way everyone made it home safely from their trips.. That helped with the peace as well.

Away he went...

Why I waited almost 2 weeks to write this post I will never understand. I had several times I thought about the fact I needed to write about Malcolm going to the MTC. Just never sat down to do it.

Malcolm Left on Wed. March 8, 2017 dark and early that morning. We were at the airport at 4:30 a.m. That was so stinkin hard to send him off on his way. I think he knew how hard it was for me too. I tried to hide it but man I suck at that. We had some really good talks before he left. He gave me some inspired advice on his siblings and life. Cole met him in Salt Lake City at the airport and they spent the next 5 hours togther. I am so happy they were able to have that time together for last minute talks and advice both ways. Malcolm decided not to call me to let me know he got to SLC becuase he felt it would make it harder. Boy if he only knew it would have actually made it easier. When Cole told me why he didn't call I explained it was like closure to hear how happy he was and to know he was ready.

That night I received an e-mail. " Mom, they are making us write to let you know I AM ALIVE! I don't get why they are making us send this email. " lol well little does he know that they have come to realize if the mother's of missionaries don't hear from them they tend to call and check on them. ( not me I just cry...:) ) No really it ended up being over a week before we heard from him again so I was happy to have that e-mail. He closed it by saying mom try not to cry too much...

I explained to Cole about the e-mail and he sends back a text saying " mom, that is God's way of giving you the closure you needed." That boy of mine is pretty smart guy.

That night I all the kids were gone from the house and I walked into the boys room and saw Malcolm's bed and all his stuff he left and I started bawling like a big baby. I needed that cry to get it all out.

By Friday everyone was gone from the house Eve went with her Dad and the younger two went on a church trip. Talke about a rude awakening. I had alot of time to myself to really think about this journey we are starting with a new missionary. What a great journey. Not easy but I know he is exactly where he needs to be.