I just realized that today would have been my wedding anniversary. I wonder why I catch myself on these days and I see the date and it makes me want to put my life into perspective.
Am I where I thought I would be?
Am I happy?
Would I make the same decisions again?
All this happens at the same time that I watched Jon and Kate with my kids this week to see there big announcement end in Divorce. My heart aches for that family. Not like I know them or anything just I would want to be doing that again. Whether you like Kate or hate her there seems to be no in between. It as a parent is hard to make that decision.

I made that decision to divorce after getting through my anniversary that year and going really what am I doing all of this for. Then by September making that dreaded decision to file for divorce. So every year around this time of year I rethink where I am going with my little family.

Kate said something on the show that hit way too close to home. She simply stated. I don't want to be alone to do this alone.
At times that is a reality that I just hate to face. Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I have been so blessed to have my kids I do. They bring so much joy to my life and keep me busy which is good for me. I really don't know what I will do not having a busy schedule when they are all gone.
Where I am today versus where I was at 9 years ago is so very different. I found a part of me I didn't know existed or had buried so deep I forgot. I learned to make short term goals and that would in turn fall into long term goals.


Ok after stopping and thinking for a while at work. I realized I am very happy with where I am at in my life. Where I am in my life and where my ex-husband is they are two very different places. I am not saying where he is at is all bad for him. But definately not where I want to be. God has truly blessed my life and my kids lives over the last 9 years to make sure we over came the challenges that were in front of us. Especially as a single mom. I watch and see the struggles that are behind me and know there will be many more but I never walk alone through them.
In turn God has helped my children understand things that many adults do not understand. I wish they could have lived another life without so many challenges.
As watch them grow I see amazing things come out of the challenges we have faced as a family. Boys growing into being amazing priesthood holders honoring their priesthood through home teaching, passing and setting up the sacrement. But also the way they are learning how to be a good husband and father. And Eve is learning the things she wants in a husband.

All and all. Life is good.

---- later---

I wrote all this a while back and just didn't publish it. I guess as I look at others who are struggling or have struggled I wish I could give advice to those who are. Divorce gets really nasty even when you try for it not to be. It is a horrible way for kids to be raised. I know first hand as a child and a mom. If at all possible to work things out do. My grandfather once told me that you are not always going to be IN love with your spouse, some days you may not like there actions but the love is always there and worth fighting for. He understood why a seperated and told me that there are some situations you just can't come away from. Mine was one of those. But I so wish things had been different so my kids didn't have to deal with it.