diffictult day and a difficult lesson learned

Today has been a really difficult day. I didn't start out that way I started the day out at work after working all night. Eve wasn't feeling well this morning. I couldn't get the kids up over the phone. Ramesus brought the kids home so late last night(yes he actually took them yesterday)they were all so tired.

I came home and decided with kids not feeling good I decided to stay home from church today. I received a phone call from my Relief society President saying that she felt like she needed to check on me. I was half asleep and told her everything was fine but thank you for checking. Little did I know how prompted she was just a little early in the day.

Let me start this part with saying that this is a very personal part that very few people know about my life or my past life when I was married. But for me this is how I deal with things and is my therapy.

I was headed to work tonight and was received a phone call from my mom telling me that Ram had called and told the kids to get ready he was on his way to pick them up and go to the church. She asked" do you think he is being rebaptized?" I thought surely not don't the stake president or his bishop have to check to make sure he is living up to his duties as a father?But I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach and just knew. I called my house and found out he was already there to pick them up. Didn't ask me or anything.Just showed up. I don't know if I was more mad or hurt that he had fooled everyone once again. I told the kids to put him on the phone and told him they couldn't go. Half of them weren't feeling good etc.. Then asked him if he bothered to tell the stake president that he wasn't fullfilling his duties. He said yes.
I instructed my kids they were not to go. They said ok.
I hung up and called my sister Michelle. After crying a little and venting she asked me a question.." Why do you really not want them to go? Then she told me as much as this is hurting me I am setting my kids up to resent me by not giving them that choice." So I hung up crying and call my kids back. BY this time they had put me on call and I was headed back home. I asked them if they wanted to go and if they did to call their dad and tell them they could go but they had to come home right after for school. Alex, Sebastian and Cole decided they wanted to go. Malcolm said he felt like his feelings were like mine. Then said something like if he doesn't pay child support etc how can he be rebaptized?
I think I cried all the way home not sure really why other than you know I don't understand why it is that I have to work sooo stinkin hard to take care of my kids, working 2 jobs, and still sometimes I am struggling to even put food on the table. Yet he doesn't worry or do anything to help out. By the time I got home I was just needing to pray and figure things out. Still in my scrubs I went outside to my overgrown garden got down on my knees and as I picked the weeds I prayed.

As I prayed and pondered the reason I felt the way I did. Why wasn't I happy that my kids father was trying to get his life together? Isn't that a good thing? As long as I have known him he is and has been a master of disguise. He can fool anyone on who he really is. But was he really still pulling the wool over peoples eyes?
Then I realized this had nothing to do with him as to my worries about my kids and my parenting skills.

As I looked at the weeds and my neglected garden. The rain had done a number on it. It hadn't been so good to my garden veggies but good for the weeds to grow everywhere in with the veggies. I continued to pick and pull and stand and kneel in the mud to clean it out. I realized in essence I was neglecting my garden at home. I am not perfect about remembering to have scriptures every night and we forget prayers (family) sometimes. I say I am tired, we are too busy etc. You know life with kids make life busy and then with me working essentially 2 full-time jobs I get overwhelmed. It was time for me to worry about my garden and not how many weeds are in someone elses. Does that makes sense?

Since the talk Elder Wirthlin gave Come what may, and love it. I read it and reread it often. As I reread the article I started to feel better and realized that the trials and stress myself or my family is going through is nothing compared to those in the scriptures or others that came before us.

The reality is I know he is dating someone and planning on marrying her. I knew that how all of a sudden he was showing an interest in the kids all of a sudden was a red flag. I guess I know the next step is that he will be married in the temple and want to be sealed to the kids. Then that is another conflict.

Deep breathe, exhale..

Part of Wirthlin's talk says this
The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

After all of this I realized how inspired my Relief Society President was this morning. I just didn't know it at the time.


After post thought: I know I have had to work hard to keep things going with my family. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I would work 3 jobs if i had to. I am blessed to have them in my life. I felt like I was complaining about having to take care of them. I would do it in a heart beat if that meant I would reap the blessing of having them with me.