Reflecting

I happened upon a blog today that really made me reassess my life and those around me. I should have been doing all kinds of things but instead have sat and read his blog for the last hour and half not wanting to stop to go pick up Sebastian.

His was the second blog that made me think about my life, my family.(maybe that is why my head started hurting)

For many years my Aunt has been volunteering in the prison in Tennessee. She has made many close friends there. One of the ladies that sits on Death roll is Gaile. Over the years my mom has met her and developed a bond as well. I have heard things over the years about how wonderful a women she is and the horrible circumstances that put her there. Recently things changed for her. All her appeals have ran out and her execution date has been set. The blog I was reading this afternoon was written by her oldest son. He started it as he made his journey to forgiving her and letting God take control of his life to do this. I sat in tears today as I read his blog.

Many of you know it doesn't take much for me to tear up. I even tend to do that with the onstar commercials on the radio. But this was different it was touching my heart. I am not sure why I have known of the situation for awhile and signed the petitions etc. But this was different. His blog started for him to let God work through him and share his testimony. How many of us do that are willing to open ourselves up and share what is deep in our heart. Our belief in Heavenly Father and what he does for us in our daily lives.

I tend to be shy when it comes to sharing those moments. I don't know if it is the fact that I have a hard time putting into to words my feelings in my heart or worrying about rejection. Which why would it matter if I was rejected for my feelings or beliefs. Since Junior high when the film came out about Mormons I have been rejected for my beliefs and told all sorts of things. You would think as an adult I could handle it better.

I look at my older boys and the things they have openly shared with their friends about their beliefs and how they just say it like everyone should know and believe it. I wish I had that. Several years ago I taught in Relief Society and it was easier to let it out there because I was teaching and could feel that prompting much more than I have been lately. I wonder why that is.. What have I changed in my life that makes it so different. Am I not letting go enough to trust fully in Heavenly Father? Am I just emotional right now and over thinking things because of what I read.

Lately I have had co-workers ask about Our religion. When the teenager was killed in Fort Worth by an intruder his Bishop was in the paper speaking for the family. His bishop happened to be our old boss and now working on a different floor. This sparked some conversations. And it made me think about am I doing everything I am suppose to do to put out there not about who I am but who I am suppose to represent.
When I drop my kids off for activities whether at friends houses, school or church. You will often hear me say " Remember who you are". They say yeah we know mom.
Maybe it is something I need to place back into my life.

Lately, I have just been struggling with daily life. Teenagers, work, mostly feeling a little sorry for myself for having to do it on my own when challenges came up. Instead of remembering I am not really by myself which is hard at times.

All those years after my divorce I was in a different mindset. I knew I wasn't doing it by myself technically Heavenly Father was guiding me and walking with me. Physically yes I was doing it by myself. But that was ok. Something changed. I don't know what. Maybe I became too comfortable and quite depending on him as much and forgot he was still walking with me. Whatever it is today has brought me back to reality and hopefully it will keep me there.

The other blog that helped me was the Mean Mom. I read it off and on. It gives the humor to motherhood that sometimes I miss. When I was catching up on it I read about how a reporter emailed her told her how horrible she and her readers were for what she and her followers were share about everyday life. It reminded me that it's ok to be considered mean by your children sometimes to raise them the way we know is right for them to turn out to be wonderful adults we need to be MEAN and use humor to do this.
All and all it has been a mentally exhausting day and now I "get" to go teach the young women about first aid for camp..