More reflections....

This week has truly been a week of reflection. I drive ALOT... Whatever you think is alot multiply that by 10 and that is my normal week for work. But I don't mind it so much. This week for some reason as I drove all I could think about was my kids. Maybe it had something about seeing two patients both young moms, both with cancer and both with very different attitudes about the disease. But both fighting to stay with their sweet families. Just trying to hold on to any and everything from day to day.

My mind often drifts as I drive around seeing patients this week was different. I could feel myself being pulled to my beautiful children and their lives and activities, personalities. Their loves and dislikes and conversations we had recently. I had been scheduled to work more this week than normal in preparation for Malcolm's heart procedure next week. The more I worked the more I felt a draw to them. Until I ended my drive Friday in tears. Tears? Why tears? Sometimes I feel I hurry through our day from waking at 4:15 to get Malcolm up for seminary to putting them to bed at night. I miss being there at night to put them in bed to watch them sleep. To do my last once over and kiss them all while they sleep. 2 days this week after working all day I rushed made dinner and off to work from 7pm-11pm which generally ends at 2 am. I miss spending my evenings talking watching a show together dealing with the occasional headache of baths and bedtimes.
How very blessed I am to have such amazing children. Yes they all have their moments but the good totally out ways the bad. I was suppose to work last night and had a migraine since being at work on Thursday night. It stayed with me all day no matter what I took their was no relief. I finally decided that I was not going to go into work last night. I kept feeling an over whelming feeling to stay with my kids. No matter how I rationalized the need for money for surgery, bills, christmas. My heart kept pulling in staying at home last night. I have learned not to go against those feelings. I called in sick for my migraine not like you can say oh by the way I can't work tonight because my guide(holy ghost) is saying I need to not come in and I need to be with my kids. ( The last time I didn't go because of a feeling similar something major went wrong at work and I know it was to keep me out of it)Anyways, I took Cole to a party ,Malcolm was already at school for the game. Eve, Sebastian, Alex and myself headed off to the game. Eve and I both had massive headaches. But who could give up the last game especially when Summit was playing my high school.

The night went well headaches stayed but we enjoyed watching the game and band and visiting with the Keetons. I had the ah ha moment that night as I sat at the kitchen table talking to my mom and Sebastian climbed up in my lap. He cuddled like when he was a baby(Sebastian) and just laid there. Then stretched his long legs to another chair and I realized how much I needed that moment. I held him asleep until I had to go get Malcolm from school. I sent him up to bed only for him to be disapointed I was leaving again.

Why is it that sometimes it takes illness to reevaluate your life and what is really important to remind you to slow down and enjoy those cuddles. Malcolm goes into the hospital next Friday for his procedure. However I have been told that we are to stop one of his heart medicines yesterday and the last on Monday. I was informed that by doing this it can cause severe problems and since we all know he is in the ER when he is on his meds. This is not good. Further reading Thursday and Friday I realized it can very well send him into a fatal heart rhythm. sigh, He has to be off all meds until his heart procedure. The nurse said to plan on bringing him in at the first sign of any heart problems. Rapid heart rate, black outs, fainting shall I go on. She mentioned several parents that live far away from the hospital come stay close to the hospital so if there are problems they can get there quickly.
Now having knowledge of medical stuff at times is good. I haven't been able to figure out if now it is or not. I think I know just enough to make me want to vomit. This week alone I have had to send one patient to the hospital, and had 2 at the hospital in one night go down hill just enough to make your heart race etc.

Every day and night I am down on my knees just begging Heavenly Father to watch over my family. To keep things whole. And to let me have the knowledge to know when he needs to go. I just don't know if that is enough.
Isn't faith having enough trust and hope that things will be ok. That Heavenly Father whatever his plans will help us deal with the outcomes. But I would like to stand and say for just this once can it be my way? Knowing all to well it can't.
Maybe this is the reason I have been so reflectful of time with my kids.
The road my life and family is going down is one especially for us. I just have to figure out a way to make it work for us instead of feeling like I am running to catch up all the time. Does that make sense?

Many hours has passed since I started this several runs in many directions to take kids to parties pick kids up, and finally take Malcolm and Cole to meet to go to the temple for youth baptisms. They just arrived home about 30 minutes ago. Malcolm's best friend Richard is having a birthday party tonight and he promised him he would go. So off I went to take him to his friends house. Only to know I have to go to work in 20 minutes. More prayers go out as I drive home to finish getting ready. I love being a nurse but I love being a mom so much more. It just stinks that I have to split my time so much.

Call me crazy the closer it gets to having his heart fixed the more worried and nervous I get. Faith right? I know but with all the faith in the world it is still hard to think about your child laying on a cold hospital bed with all kinds of wires and probes in his heart. It will probably be the longest 6 hours of my life. He seems to be at peace with everything. I know Malcolm is nervous but more because of things he has seen on television. We will have blessings this week before the hospital event. Well I better go finish up so I can go to work.