Yesterday I realized that today was 9-11. It not only is a significant day in our history but an old friends birthday. I had been thinking about Janet for the last couple of months. We had worked together at the college while I put myself through nursing school. She became a special friend to me to some degree a second mom. My kids even got really attached to her.
Unfortunately, we lost contact over the the last year. It wasn't not thinking about her i had alot. I am so bad about calling people and last I talked she had moved south to do some security work with her boyfriend. The more she weighed on my heart I decided to call. I called her yesterday to wish her a happy birthday and just say hello. It sounded so good to hear her voice. Even if she was fighting pneumonia she took a minute to call me back to let me know she got the message. She is now back in town after suffering the loss of her boyfriend this year. I really started to realize that all those times I felt I needed to call her there was a reason. I have to remember to go on those feelings. After talking to her briefly and promising each other we would catch up I hung up and began to tell my kids.
You should have seen Sebastian's little face. You would have thought it was Christmas. He was so excited that they were going to get to go see her. I explained that we couldn't go that day but would go as soon as she got well. Janet helped me so much through alot of hard times. She was a sounding board for me. There were many days life just was hard just going through a divorce with 5 small kids and she was one of the women who took me in and helped me become who I am now. I felt so good last night just talking to her for a moment. Why I didn't call her sooner. I don't know.
Today as I drove to my patients house they played one of the songs (why I can't remember the songs name) country song starts. "Do you remember where you were when the world stopped turning" something like that. I took me back to that day driving my kids to school and daycare. Listening to the radio and trying to explain to my kids quickly that things were ok as I dropped them off.The whole time not knowing if they were ok. I didn't write in my journal then about the feelings it brought to me that day. But everytime I hear that song those feelings rush right back in. I wish I could have pulled my car over found a computer and wrote it out.
As things were happening I left my kids and headed to the college for classes. The first plane had already hit the twin towers and I had been following it on the radio. I got into the building and the college had put tv's all over the halls. They had continous coverage in the halls and everyone was just frozen in front of the screens. Now I was alot older than many of the people I was around. Many of the kids watching this were probably barely 18 newly graduated from high school. I remember watching their faces and feeling a loss of words. How can they or someone younger process this when I am having such a hard time. I stood there watching in horror and realizing what was happening. What do I do? Do I go get my kids? Is this going to happen everywhere? I finally didn't know what else to do other than I couldn't go sit in class. I left the school and drove up the block to a little mom and pop tackle/gas station. At this point there were several older men in there eating breakfast glued to the tv in there. I listen to the people talk about what they had just seen and as I watched the tv along with the others we watched the second plane hit. My heart sinks as I think about it now. That same empty pitted feeling of pain for those who were there that day. The families of everyone involved. This was before anyone knew the magnitude of what was happening.
I could remember I just wanted to go get my babies and hold them close. And totally CRY my eyes out. Oh wait I am the parent I can't do that... Within a few minutes I headed over a couple of blocks to my sister's house(stephanie) I didn't know what to do but she would right? Not really knowing what to do or what was really happening or the choas that might come from it. She and Clyde advised me to go to the store and make sure I have food. I went into the store and bought some things. Everyone in the store acted as though they knew nothing of what had happened. Maybe they didn't. I did see several people having the same thought that maybe they needed to have a few neccessities just in case.
Picking up the kids early is what alot of parents did. I went home tried to understand what had happened and was glued to the tv. With that having young children Malcolm was 2 weeks shy of his 8th birthday. They just trickled down from there down to Sebastian at 16months. Words can't explain the feelings of that day.
I am trying to find words to put down to explain so that my kids will understand it. I watched in awe of those who gave their lives to try and save another even if they were strangers. How proud I was to live in country that had people who volunteer for those jobs and do it with all their heart. We know this even before this day. Firefighers, Police they risk their lives all the time for us. I just can't imagine their thoughts as they looked up at those buildings and said ok lets go. How hard would that be knowing that you know what that looks bad maybe I won't come back. What about my kids my wife,my husband. They risked everything to try and save someone else. Many were saved and too many were killed.
As every year around the anniversary of this day the conspiracy theory people start coming out of the woodwork. I really don't care who caused it or did it. I think about all those people who suffered through their last moments and pray for their family who have lived the last 7 years without them.At the same time you look at the terrorist that flew those planes into those buildings knowing how many people would die and you just want to ask why? Why there? Why that day? As the years have gone on and you see it happen all over the world I thank my Heavenly Father for being here in this country.
We have so many priveledges, advantages, freedoms, and security many others do not have. But how many of us take it for granted. How many of us feel the warm heart touching feeling when you hear the national anthem or the other songs about our country. Maybe that is the reason 4 th of July is my holiday. I hear the songs and remember as a kid hearing them and loving the meaning of them. I still get chills when I hear them.
Now on the same token I love the song written after 9-11 about Uncle Sam putting a boot up their.... well you know the song. Have we passed that feeling of patriotism down to our kids? The next generation understand what our ancestors have done to get us where we are? I can only hope that I have taught that to my kids.
I have written all of this and still do feel I have done justice on how I feel about this day and how it effected me. I will never be the same. I still remember when there were no planes being flown that day and how eery I thought that felt. Or today when I see the large military planes flying over me as I drive I get a chill go down my spine wondering what they are practicing for. Or are they practicing or is there something I should be aware of. Do you know what I mean. For instance, last week I was driving out towards a guess I base in far Fort Worth is. I hadn't paid attention that I was really close to it. But as I looked up ahead I saw 4 fighter jets in the sky. Then it occured to me earlier that day I had seen a convoy of military vehicles driving down I-20 near Arlington. You know the vehicles you would see driving in the news in the desert. It really did a number on me. I had to remember hey your by the base.
I decided with all of this going on I needed to get a break from reality. My cousin Cyndy had a party tonight. You know one of those they bring catalogs and you spend money. I just really needed to get my mind off of things. I don't know what it is about Cyndy. She always seems to have this presence about her. It has to be her connection to God. But even though we didn't grow up close to each other in distance or age she and I have become closer as adults. I would love to develop a closer relationship with her and her sisters. So I thought how better to see her and get away then go to the party have a little fun, eat and relax. I took my friend Angela with me. Angela and I lived next door to each other until May when I moved out of the apartments. Angela had been my saving grace many times. She met and married a man this summer and between her busy schedule and mine we just haven't been able to talk. So we drove the 30 minute drive talked, caught up, had some fun, ate some cake, got some uplifting, drove home the last 30 minutes. And I feel better.
I was talking to Malcolm saying it weird when you go from having your best friend next door and literally at 10 at night you could knock on her door and she would listen or share meals together. From not having a chance to visit and have those heart to hearts. We had both been single moms and dealing with the same problems and it was nice to have someone else who understands what you are dealing with.
I even got a little one on one time with Malcolm tonight. I came home and ran to the bank very quickly. He came along and we had a chance to talk. More just small talk but it was nice quality time. He is growing up to be such an amazing young man. I am so lucky to have such a sweet kid. He turns 15 in just a matter of days. Wow, I can't believe it.
I have been able to sneak time with Cole this week too. It is so wonderful to have one on one time every once in awhile. You hear so much even if they don't say it. I have really enjoyed taking Cole to football in the morning. When he is half a sleep he opens up more.:) He is so awesome.
Well that is it for tonight. I know I have rambled on. I just have so much in my head tonight. I still do. Maybe I will be able to sleep. We shall see.
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