IF ONLY!

I really wished someone could have told me where I would be with my life back when I was a teenager. Not that I would have listened necessarily. But maybe if someone would have told me the heartache my kids would endure dealing with a father like the guy I chose.
I often look back and wonder why I chose him. I guess alot was lack of self esteem at that time. I don't know why but even though I could of had other dates and did. He had a way of making me feel smaller and that I needed him. Crazy huh... Where is this going. I don't really know. I have been trying today to keep a better spirit around me when I am dealing with his mess. My ex. He can be so difficult. I look at my kids and know where we will be in a few days when they realize that they won't all be together on Christmas. Then to not be able to do what they want on Christmas to spend time with both sides of their family.

Ramesus and I have been emailing back and forth about Christmas. I have tried to be nice. I really have. I have bitten my tongue when he said things that I would have liked to reach out and strangle him. But man today. I quite looking at the emails for awhile and went and read the conference talks to try and get me into a different mindset. We have done the same routine with them for 8 years. Sebastian is 8 so that is his whole life. He knows nothing else. To put it into perspective before that even when we were married he spent out of 3 of the 6 christmas with the kids. So in 16 years he has spent 5 Christmas eve's and mornings with him. This has all been of his choice. Women were something he always placed over the kids. Me that is fine I will get over it. The kids well I think they have learned from watching where the priorities lay.
The bad thing is now he is well it is my parental right to have them. SO freakin what. Where was is responsibility as a parent to be there when they were sick, needed to go to the doctor, ER visits with Sebastian would quite breathing and I was in the ER 5 blocks from his house and tagged all 5 kids there to try and find out why my baby quite breathing. How about his responsibility to keep them safe not to put them in harms way emotionally, physically, mentally. Oh I guess that doesn't count.
Or when Malcolm spent 10 days in the hospital and he didn't check on him after day 2 because he was mad at Malcolm for not wanting to meet his new girlfriend.
I am so irritated that I was so stupid to marry someone like that. That after 8 years of getting our lives back together and having 5 children who are I think very well adjusted, happy kids. For him to come into their lives after missing from August of last year to end of June this year wanting to see them. That he comes back in and wants to turn their world upside down.
He doesn't understand why some of them only will deal with him when it means they might get something. Or why some of them don't want to have anything to do with him.
I have tried to teach them to love him. For a long time I told them he had called and said to tell them he loved them and he hadn't. I didn't want them to be upset or lonely for someone who couldn't care less. Now his PARENTAL RIGHTS is all he is concerned about. And the perception he wants the world to see him by. Crazy thing is people know him for who he is.

I have been very blessed with wondeful children and people along the way that have helped to mold them into that. Primary teachers, school teachers, family, Uncles, Aunts, Grandparents(my side we don't even want to go there on his) home teachers. All these people have helped them to find who they are, their testimonies and how to decide right from wrong. Heavenly Father also blessed us with me getting through school and having a career that is thankfully economicly stable. I have a good job and that drives him crazy. I bothers him that I took the words of him telling me I was stupid and couldn't ever make it on my own and being a college graduate making it on my own.(with the lords help) I think that is half the crap I get from him is I give him medical bills he tells me he doesn't have money that I do and basicly I can pay them. We are suppose to split them 50/50. So I stopped.

Oh back to my dilema. I just want my kids to be happy. I want them to learn the power of forgiveness but not at the point where they get hurt. How do you do that. How do you explain to an 8 year old who all he has known is a dead beat dad who he is scared of to forgive him. How do you explain to your daughter who wants to be so badly a daddy's girl that you don't want her to get her hopes up again an he dissapear again breaking her heart again.

These are issues you deal with when you first get a divorce not 8 years later. He knows how to ruffle my feathers and I tried I swear I really did to not respond back.

The last email went something like this.

I'm sorry it's hard for them to be split up however I have a right to my time w/ my kids. And since there are some who don't want to be here christmas eve, that's their decision. If they don't want to be split, then they all need to come to my house christmas eve. And to address ur question, I'm tired of being accused of not wanting to spend time w/ my kids. Some don't want to be w/ me; some only want to be around if they perceive they're getting something. I'm not being difficult, I'm just exercising my rights as a parent

So see This really irritated me maybe it was because it came after several emails that were just not well COOL as a parent to say. It isn't as though it is me holding them from going over there. Every year they have done the same thing and now he wants to change it. It got under my skin because all he cared about was himself.
So I lost it a bit. Basicly in a nutshell said as a parent is to think of the kids and there well being. He wasn't doing that. What is it they want? Why is it they want it that way? I guess as far as I am concerned it not so much parental rights and responsiblity you get when your a parent. You are responsible for making sure you raise them to love the lord,do good, be happy, healthy emotionally. Your responsible for getting them to adult hood in one piece. You aren't guaranteed parental rights in Heaven when you promise to do what is right for your kids. Heavenly Father expects us to be responsible for them getting back to heaven.

I am so frustrated as this moment. I want them to have a good christmas. I don't want them to know this Christmas as one of turmoil. And unfortunately, that is what it will turn out to be. It will be a day of them listening to people bad mouthing me while they try to be kids and enjoy Christmas.

I just wish I would have known.